It's been quite a long while since I have been inspired to share my thoughts here. Since the pandemic sent us into the Time of Great Coccooning in 2020, my journey, like most, has been about finding my place, pace and rhythm again. As I find my way forward, the path becomes obscured by the unknowns, the uncertainty, the constant changes. I am keenly aware of my own resistance.
This time has been more than challenging, inspiring, chaotic, healing, and creative. And so much more. Over the course of the pandemic, I have refined and redefined my self, my career, my business, and my life in ways I had dreamed of for decades...and in ways I never dreamed possible. I have also found where and how I am lacking in my efforts, growth, life, and presence. As well as the relationships and beliefs that have been based on illusions.
I have felt like the proverbial caterpillar, dissolving into the liquidity of uncertainty, surrendering to the dissolution of everything I thought I knew. Trying to keep up with all of the changes, maintaining sanity, and finding serenity, have created a stronger, more centered, and cohesive sense of my wholeness. Slowing down has allowed me to find something that I didn't realize was missing in my busy modern life, even with the many spiritual and daily practices that have formed the foundation of my life over the years. I am grateful.
In this period of quarantining and isolation, I have forced myself to dive into my darkness, my depths, to explore more thoroughly my fears and my heart's desires. Last winter's journey took me through my paces, baring my soul to a rare few who may or may not appreciate what was revealed. I redesigned my website with a "pro", closed my Esty shop, and took a long, hard look at how I wanted the next chapters of my life to read. There were many disappointments, failures, and gratefully some tiny improvements,
This is the same path so many others have taken. For those of us who own or owned our own businesses during the Quarantine's time of withdrawal, doing business has taken on a new meaning as we find our way forward. Doing business the 'old way' has gone the way of the dinosaurs, it seems.
I have worked hard all of my life, striving to do better, and be better, every day. This has left me exhausted. I share this because I feel that this is not something unique to my path. I began working when I was in my early teens, helping my family to survive and hopefully thrive as we all grew up and became responsible, productive adults, contributing to society in mutually beneficial ways. This hard work ethic remains, a tribute to my ancestors who busted their asses working for a better life for themselves and their families. Slowing down has offered me an opportunity to reassess, review, and rebuild. Not to mention, clear away and clean out what and who is no longer working for and with me for a better life for all. The hard work continues.
For as long as humans have been alive, fear has been fed by the Fear-Mongers. They consistently use this primal emotion to try to control the masses, the creatives, and those who insist on thinking for themselves. Witnessing the results of all the years of blood, sweat, and tears I have poured into my life as it all came crashing down around us was a testament to the worldwide effects of this time in our history. I saw so many other businesses closing shop, struggling to survive one more day, one more month, one more year. I consider myself lucky to have been supported by my husband's 'essential' job during that time.
Fear has been my companion for far too long. I chose not to live in fear a long time ago as I picked up my life and moved 600 miles away from where I was born and raised. I sacrificed my close relationships with my family to begin living my life according to my vision. It has been a long, hard road, and I am grateful for everything I have experienced. All of it.
Now it seems that every day is about choosing between fear and whatever else there may be for us to discover. I have found that my path has always offered silver linings if I take the time to look for them. Nowadays, I am constantly looking for these silver linings. If I don't look for them, I find my sanity slipping away in the insanity of the world.
My resistance rises within me as I prepare for what's next. I sense my fear stirring from the deepest waters of my unconscious. My body reacts, pushing my emotions to the surface in a tidal wave of overwhelming proportions.
In this state, I turn within, just as I have learned from cultivating decades of meditative practices. I put my full attention on the No Thing that is my Fear Monster. From a place of total acceptance, I witness the swirling, spiraling, churning whirlpool within.
With patience, I am able to sense ghostly movement underneath the frothy waters of my unconscious emotional ocean. I am mesmerized as the whirlpool draws me in like a moth to aflame while I catch glimpses of the creature beneath. I hover above this bubbling inner cauldron of inspiration and transformation and then surrender to the magnetic pull of this journey's purpose.
Sucked below the surface, I hear the messages coming from deep within me...
"Breathe...just breathe, sister. She will catch you. She is your creative genius, this Sea Dragon you named your Fear Monster. "
I am directed to "Look more closely" now that I am Beneath. The message continues...
"You will SEE her power and magic. This is your Catalyst of Creativity. Play with her. Love her. She will always love you back in return. She can be fierce. She can be gentle. She is both, and she is not. You are she, and she is you."
I listen more carefully to the questions that arise, asking if I can ride the stubborn resistance I am experiencing now. I wonder? If I did ride this wave of resistance, what would I feel? Would I make it to shore safely? Or would I lose myself in the churning waters of my overwhelming emotions?
To ride my own Horse of Resistance as a vehicle for exploring my creative waters is a victory. This is the gold I have been searching for my entire adult life. I am now closer to finding the buried treasure that lies below the surface of my daily thoughts than ever before.
This Horse of Resistance takes me to meet my fiercest, scariest, most terrifying power from within my depths...my Creative Genius. I realize that what I have named my Fear Monster is my Power to Create in manifest form. It is everything my heart desires AND everything I fear. All rolled into one. I understand that inside of me all of this lives and breathes new life, motivation, and hope into my life and my dreams.
My Fear Monster will get me noticed, She is everything my heart desires and everything I fear most. She reveals the nakedness of my soul. And that is what I fear most, after all.
So I ride my Horse of Resistance to reach my Creative Genius. I prepare to leave the safety of my isolation and my comfort zone to begin again. Just as the world is opening up to all of its wonders, miracles, tragedies, and joys, we are encouraged to leave the Fear Monster to its own musings as we emerge from the Great Cocconing Time into the TIme of UnKnowns & Great Changes that are to follow.
This augers a time of adventure, bravery, courage, and a willingness to stay on that Horse of Resistance until we reach the end of our journey. May this time be filled with silver linings that reveal the Truth of Who We Are Becoming. May this Time of Great Changes result in natural Creativity that transforms our world for the better.