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Re-Membering & Compassion- My Journey from Death to Life

As 2017 came to a close, I received a powerful vision in my daily meditations.  In my mind’s eye, I saw the sweetly loving and familiar images of the Blessed Mother Mary of my childhood, flash before me.  Her sacred presence, along with more recent connections with other traditional figures of the Divine Mother, such as the Blessed Quan Yin, the Black Madonna, the White Tara… all the Great Mothers of Humanity.  Each one came to me sharing insights from my past.

Breathing deeply, I opened more fully to the wisdom being shared from my depths.  There had been so many changes within and without, that I have had to take my time in reviewing it all, sorting and sifting through the memories, for the setting of my intentions in 2018.

I was searching for a way to connect with the wisdom and inner guidance I so dearly needed then and now.  My spiritual practice includes a discipline for safely entering an altered state of consciousness (drug-free) through the use of yoga-like body postures in a ritual context.  As I researched the images of the Divine Feminine Mothers that had presented themselves to me, I discovered one image of the Queen of Compassion that “spoke” to me.

This interesting and different from the others body posture of the Blessed Quan Yin was calling to me.  I encircled myself in sacred space and held the pose with an open mind and heart, with amazing results.  On December 29th, I facilitated a journey for others using the same ecstatic trance posture for those who wanted to end 2017 on a compassionate note.  Something that our world needs more than ever for our collective healing, as well as our planet’s health.

What has come from the sacred circle most profoundly are the memories and the integration of my own struggle for compassion and wellness on all the levels of my complicated bio-mechanical being.  The most precious gift from holding The Blessed Mother’s Queen of Compassion posture was the integration of my experience of Her thousand arms with a thousand eyes in the palms of each hand.  I saw from all different perspectives.  This ability to envision a situation/circumstance/relationship/interaction from many diverse views has become a valuable tool for discernment, healing, and wisdom.

My desire to call in the wholeness of my Self has motivated me to move forward, even during the darkest of times.  Combined with the use of creative expression the ancient tools of ritualistic practices for exploring altered states of consciousness provide meaning to my experiences.  This passionate pursuit of self-understanding has led me to amazing discoveries.  And I was pleased to find that others were willing to explore the same healing and compassionate concepts for their paths.

For I know, that as we gather in sacred spaces, practicing our healing rituals together with the unconditional love of Divinity, we are able to grow stronger, healthier, evolving farther in unison, building momentum faster and more powerfully, than we ever could on our own.

When we are unified in our intent, we are amazing forces for gathering and building energies that can create major transformation, across mass consciousness.  We tap into the hundredth-monkey possibility, allowing for a widespread ripple effect in human awareness.  When we collaborate and unify in harmony, we are capable of fulfilling our potentials in life-affirming ways.

Unfolding within me, were surprise and delight, as I listened with my heart open to the others sharing their experiences with the new ritual posture.  Each participant shared a bit of a larger story being told.  A story of healing and compassion beyond what I had imagined possible.

I am deeply grateful to each soul who shared their presence in that sacred circle.  I have learned more about my own process, enriching the integration of my path over the decades, back to when I was first called to explore the spirit-worlds through the creative mysteries of being a creative human.

I offer my shortened story of awakening below… for the compassion, healing, and blessing of those who struggle with their own journey.

The gift I discovered was this…

When my mom died at the end of 2011, I was devastated by more than just her passing.    I felt as though I had lost my entire family, once again, with her death.  It didn’t help that I had fought with my sister the day after she died.  After returning home from the eviscerating experience, I gave myself the year of 2012 to heal and recover.

I thought I was doing well with healing from the grief and pain I had kept within.  I was taking my time to be alone with my grief.  To remember, to cry, to rest and to heal.  My beloved husband gave me the space I had asked for as he attended all of our social invitations in 2011 on his own, per my request.  I am still amazed that he didn’t find someone else to spend his time with during those dark, haunted years of my life.

Six months later, I was in a car accident that thrust me into a deep, bone-rattling and terrifyingly scary place within.  I was recognizing all the unresolved pain and wounding that I had worked so hard, for so long, to heal.  It was still with me.  I was wounded beyond repair, in my view.  The accident had served to awaken me, metaphorically, to where I was broken open, where my life’s energy was “bleeding” profusely now.  I could clearly see and feel where the wounds had festered over the years and were poisoning me from within.  But there was so much more to learn…and to lose.

Here I was, an accomplished facilitator of others’ healing journeys and I had so much work to do on myself.  It was overwhelming.  I didn’t sleep for 3 months.  I sought medical help for the lack of sleep and the medication only made my mental, emotional and physical state worsen…and darken further.

I turned to my spiritual practices, my meditation, yoga and other movement exercises, as well as my creativity.  The creativity well was as dry as a bone.  I had to find something else that worked so I could face each day, not to mention the long nights without sleep.  I also thought about my past and what made me feel good when I was hurting and alone.  I did those things that supported my process of coming back from the abyss that I found myself in.

Finally, after a few years of mental and emotional fog, (compounded by the peak of my menopausal hormonal shifts) I slowly began to seek out the light again.  With my patient husband’s loving encouragement and accepting presence, I slowly began to be more social.  I tentatively found resources that help those return to living life again.  I began moving away from those which supported people in the depths of their grieving.  That’s when I knew I could no longer stay in my solitary state.  This was a revelation for an introvert like me.

It was a long and difficult journey to find my center again.  My identity was lost amongst the emptiness and pain, combined and multiplied by the events that followed Death’s cold touch.  It took me 5 years to begin feeling like myself again.  I was alone for most of that journey by choice and by chance.  Now I encourage you who are mourning to take care of yourselves as if you were a precious child, newly reborn.

I remembered who I was, only after plunging into the depths of who I no longer was with compassion.  I finally learned how I defined forgiveness.  Something that had eluded me over the years.  Something I had resisted for far too long.  The adage, “a broken heart is an open heart” had new meaning.  My definition of forgiveness was being redefined with compassion.

If you have access to groups or people who will support you in your healing process, please use those resources you are comfortable with, keeping in mind that you are growing and will be uncomfortable for a while. Being alone prolonged my grief, but that is what I chose.  I don’t recommend it for long periods of time unless you are a seasoned loner and even then, we all need others for a healthy life.

Blessings of Gratitude, Love and Compassion for your creative, healing path in 2018 and beyond.

(Photo by CShepard –

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